My Greatest Fear...

I saw a YouTube video today that my mom shared, and it reflected my greatest fear and my greatest hope. It talked about how a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. It showed a man packing his things and leaving his wife and daughters. Then it rewound and showed him looking at a computer screen, suggesting that he had just come across pornography. The screen split and showed two decisions made in that moment. In one, he shut the laptop and left the room. In the other, he closed the laptop then, pausing, shut the door and opened it again.

Then, the screens continuing to be split, it showed the consequences of that one step. On the left, he was distanced from his wife and kids, and then eventually left them. In the other, he played with his daughters, brought his wife flowers, and played an active role in the home.

My heart ached as I watched this video. In the left I saw, in many ways, my dad. His frequent distance from us growing up, leading to my parents divorce after much abuse. Emotional, physical, verbal... This haunted me. Fear struck me, as again I worried about making sure I choose the right person. I couldn't bear that happening to me. More than falling, that is my greatest fear.

In the right, I saw my greatest hope. Somehow finding a righteous priesthood holder that would love and respect me, play with his children, read them stories, bring me flowers and kiss me and pray with me, and be there for me.

The scariest part about it is, really, the wife had no control over his decision. It's all up to him. Something seemingly so small can become so shattering, depending on the choice made in the moment. 

When I saw this movie it brought back fears that I should have already let go. And all of a sudden, "What if" came to mind. What if I do get married and this happens? Fear is crippling. It makes me unsure of love, doubtful, scared. Which brings back walls that I've been working on breaking down.

I really need to learn how to let go of this fear...